The Best Thing

About me cutting you out of my life again
Is that now there's no one around to make me eat


(I convince myself that this is a win)

Seeing Red

I know that I’m a child who thinks she’s the only one with feelings

I know that I’m a child who thinks nothing else matters but her

It’s been slung at me from across midnight living rooms

Or from the passenger’s seat smack into the side of my face

I know we’re all lost

But you know how to read a map

And I don’t even know how to fake it

So I keep doing the dishes and wind-chiming in my own ear

“Tiny accomplishments are still accomplishments”

I’ve been eating food lately, normal amounts of actual solid food

I keep putting things inside myself as if to say, look

I'M A REAL GIRL

And I know no one likes a pity party

But just wait til you party with me

I know I’m a problem child, I know I’m just dysgraphic math

I know my imaginary numbers don’t help

The last matador I knew I challenged by asking

Can’t you just see the best in me? And fuck, maybe he did

And there just wasn't enough there 

I Really Am Not

Maxing out my full potential
Mine is a body born and bred for favor cruelty
Mine is a body made of bone, and steel, and porcelain
Concrete and straight white teeth


My spine is a skyscraper, my heart is a negotiations room
I only breathe to purr, to clear my throat
My claws have stopped clocking in


Sugar and spice is seeping its way in
I'll drown in it

Buying the Domain

And Brooklyn, okay, Brooklyn, is completely out of the question

The chambers of my heart have coat check, have valet
The wet insides of my lips, red carpet
This is champagne, the words coming out of my mouth
This is champagne

I have champagne taste, I taste like mints and sugar
Like pink glitter lip gloss I apply myself
I reapply myself


When the skyline washes her face, when her mascara runs
Far and away

I will be there taste-testing
I will be their test-taker
Because I take, and I take and I take
And I kill because I care, and I binge because I have so much
Making up for to do

The to-do list is finite, I promise
I never planned on so many calendars but I was raised
On the propaganda of meaningfulness
Verbal brochures of Disney purity

I could drink wine with fucking anyone

Not in Brooklyn though, oh God no not in Brooklyn

I will do what needs to be done
On some days, it is your body

I fall asleep deciding
My nose is in a book, my nose is a defining characteristic
I am all boobs and straight teeth
I am neither here nor there

I Solemnly Swear I Am Up to No Good

I was uncool before uncool was cool. Fantasy was one of my first favorite drugs. Way before shopping. I was the nerdy little girl who NEVER got in trouble at school unless it was for reading one of my books when I was supposed to be doing something else. Growing up I was way into LOTR. Sorry, "Lord of the Rings", in layman's terms. Then when I got a little older, and had already read and reread and watched and rewatched all of LOTR, I decided I could get into Harry Potter as well.

It makes sense that I fell in love with fantasy, with the opposite of reality. I was small and uncool, constantly getting picked on for being a "goodie two-shoes" and for wearing shoes from Payless Shoesource when everyone else had brand names. THEY LITERALLY CALLED ME GOODIE-PAYLESS SHOES. This nickname still haunts me. (Hmmm, I wonder why I became a snarky rebel bitch with a penchant for swanky clothes...?) It absolutely lit my hurt little heart on fire to read stories about good people defeating total jerks. I loved pretending to live in those worlds where money wasn't everything and good things happened to good people.  And yes, I need good to triumph over evil but I do love the Bellatrix that J.K. Rowling and Helena Bonham Carter created together. Because a midst the warm fuzzy feelings I get from fantasy, I can still go gaga over this batshit insane witch who is fully committed to pure evil and havoc. But anyway...

I appreciate that fantasy grew up with me. Because I am never going to outgrow my love of a sweet good versus evil plus magic story. I'm glad I don't (only) have to rely on Hot Topic for my fangirl shit now. God bless Blackmilk for making the slinky nylon minidress equivalent of an I LOVE HARRY POTTER body bumper sticker. It's definitely a little cooler. But still just uncool enough to be comfortable. 

Mischief managed.

Bellatrix Lestrange dress: Blackmilk clothing

Black quarter-sleeve cardigan: H&M

Opaque grey stockings: American Apparel 

Suddenly You've Won, Because You Told Me I was Worth Fighting For (or, Word Trophy)

I'm sorry for how uncomfortable I get when the answer
Isn't obvious, or easy


But I love the way you never let me go
In bed or otherwise
Because no one

Gets my hair rats-nest-tangled quite like you
And you hold my chin so firmly when we kiss
As if my cheeks are what you believe in, my lips exist
As every conviction you've ever had
Your calloused hands, my porcelain skin
That flushes lusty, harlequin candles
Whenever we are close

Because you know that all I am in love with
Is the romance of old film noirs
Darker than dripping alleyways, darker than
An airport's 4 am sky

And yes, you have been an antihero
And I have been a femme fatale
In my black dress, my whiskey
In my cigarettes and my hatred for men
Kissing you in the rain and making a plan just in case

And yes, maybe we had our hearts crossed behind our backs once

And I'm sorry for the love letters I never
Sent, even though I had the stamps and the time

I am a serpent, but the way you charm me...

Your voice desperate but calm, deep
As the ocean floor that can hardly be photographed
And maybe I choked on saying back what you told me
But I have my head above the water now
The blue inside my jewelry veins
Is the icy pacific, all broken seashells and salt
But we were born of the same cold
We are made of the same skeletal constellations

Come As You Are

We are born naked, wet, and screaming. That's nature. That's the human experience. That's being alive. So half naked, dripping wet with river water, and screaming and laughing at the top of my lungs.... felt like the most human way to spend any amount of my time. Not that time mattered. Not that any of us were busy checking phones or watches. 

I quickly realized that running around in a bra and cowboy boots was easily my new favorite hobby. Because fuck clothes. And fuck makeup. And fuck wifi. Fuck showers. Bring on beer and watermelon. Fuck the sound of cars and traffic and bring on frogs and crickets (sounds I honestly had forgotten about). 

I learned that porcupines are actually a lot bigger than I thought. I learned that turtles have zero interest in eating watermelon. I learned that longhorns stand really, really still, for like, ever. I learned how to pee outside again (something I definitely haven't done in years).

And yeah, the old adage goes that you learn something new everyday, but sometimes, that can mean you relearn something. Maybe something you lost a while back. Like peeing outside. Or like actually taking a fucking breath. I relearned how PERFECT everything is. Everything everywhere. Even me.

 That one true fact was realized while lying on a rock watching the sunset with someone who refuses to see my imperfections (although I don't know how). I relearned how quiet the whole universe can be, if I get to the right spot, and if I give it a chance. I relearned the existence of stillness, of absolute calmness. Something that's seemed impossible as of late.  I think as young adults we can get so accustomed to the feeling of being stressed. Its like I didn't even realize I was choking until I finally caught my breath, on top of that awesome rock. I think I got a little too used to letting people telling me what I am, what I'm not, and what they want me to be. 

And fuck that.

Life isn't that bad. Life isn't that hard. It's gonna have its moments, definitely. But think of the things that drive you absolutely crazy. Think of the things that really make you feel like shit. Maybe its a situation, or a person, or maybe even both. Try to decide if you truly need it, and if you need it more than you need to breathe. Because if you've ever thought "this is killing me", then it really might, given enough time. And the point of life isn't dying. The point of life is, I don't know... breathing. Dancing under the stars, laughing like crazy, jumping into water. Jumping headfirst into whatever you want and not letting every little negative voice keep you from being the happiest version of yourself.