Working Backward

The envelope was one of my favorite colors
And the violent word on the outside was
One of my favorite names
This was one of the last times I saw you
When you returned an expensive gold bracelet
That was once thrown off of me
In a breathless moment of whiskey,
Wine and desperation
Or maybe it was the nostalgia,
Or my crippling fear of sleep and dreams

I folded a crumpled Bukowski poem inside
A long-time favorite titled, Eat Your Heart Out
It reminded me of all the times
I told you I was leavin'
All of the nervous empty
Threats I screamed and worse,
All of the things I never told you

When I think of the most desperate moment of all
I almost hold my breath
I almost die
What good is a ghost
If he doesn't still give you chills,
Or at least nightmares and poetry?
Four years ago in an airport
Call it Stockholm syndrome
Or promethazine-induced romanticism
Or my unending death wish
My constant mental whispers,
Saying, destroy me destroy me
I was strung out and strung along
And I cut all my hair off
For the second time in my life
And maybe for the same reason
I have always confused love and hate
I almost missed my flight
Kissing the face of the pale sky
That tore a hole inside of me
That never healed

The skin of that monolithic sky
Was beginning to yellow
Nicotine and self-abuse
Because he did to me what he did to himself
What he did to everything
Deathwish deathwish deathwish, baby
Pink lips and skin that didn't want to be there
I kissed the invisible scars
And made promises without words
That breathed out of cracked ribs
Struggled for air

It's confusing to be alive
And young
It's confusing to be someone with potential
Someone with thighs
And long pretty hair
Someone with a death wish and plane tickets ad infinitum
I am always confusing waking life with infinity
I remember everything
Everything affects me
Everything fucks me up

Because I hated you when it would have taken
Less courage to love you
Or something like that, right?
We all had so much potential and
Coconut Cupid popped bubble pupils
Ironically we never learned
I ache for shackles fetters freckles bruises
Spreading yellow