I Hope You Lose.

The headline read, "After Just One Week in New York, Tim Tebow Already Gay, Homeless, Crack-addict." Or something to that effect. I thought it was hilarious. This, of course, is probably due to the fact that everything in The Onion, awesome satire/fake-as-fuck news, is hilarious, Of course it is also, as I said, fake. Oh how I wish it were true. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow is that swerving car that you really, really, just want to see crash. Funny how such a zealous Christian boy taps into my masochistic side. Zealous is a good word. That is what I always thought Tim Tebow was. Zealous.

From the beginning, Tim Tebow seemed more interested in simply being a star than in being a star quarterback. How many college football players star in Superbowl ads? And not even something fun and neutral like beer or deodorant. He chose something from the "Shit We Don't Talk About During Fun Activities" list. He chose from the TOP of the list. Who interrupts the nation's Superbowl parties to talk about abortion? RUDENESS.

Most people always assume this is a total fallacy, but I pray. I pray mad hard. Tony Dungee prays. Jeremy Lin prays. Tons of people pray, but they do so inside churches or in their beds at night etc etc etc. I hate to get all Christian on you, since its 2012 and we're all so cool and hip so none of us believe in God, but my argument is in The Bible - running around making a spectacle of yourself showing everyone how much you pray is the least Christian thing you can do. Right next to writing a semi-serious, but ultimately indifferent blog that half-heatedly tears down a fellow Christian.... My point is - tons of people pray. Tons of baseball players point of to God or make the sign of the cross, and every time, every time, I'm like AWWWWWW! This is because they're not sitting right next to the game, getting down on one knee, closing their eyes, and saying ten Our Fathers. I hate when he does that. If I was his teammate, and I looked over and saw Tim Tebow NOT watching his team play the game, I'd be so offended. I'd cry. And then I'd mess up and our team would lose. Once again, Timski, RUDENESS. Zealot. Which brings me to his new partner-in-crime, Rex Ryan.

This is gonna be so awesome. While Tim Tebow is all about saving babies, Rex Ryan is all about kicking asses. Or at least, he's all about making empty threats to do so. I'm very excited to see what this dynamic duo will, or won't, accomplish. It's going to be soapbox city in New York now, with all those boys kicking-ass Jesus style. Kicking ass Old Testament God style? I can't wait for the interviews, and the quotable lines that will come out of each of their mouths. They are going to be like, the cutest couple ever. GO JETS.

"As much as I respect and admire Bill Belichick, I came here to kick his ass, and that's the truth." -- Rex Ryan