I Hope You Lose.

The headline read, "After Just One Week in New York, Tim Tebow Already Gay, Homeless, Crack-addict." Or something to that effect. I thought it was hilarious. This, of course, is probably due to the fact that everything in The Onion, awesome satire/fake-as-fuck news, is hilarious, Of course it is also, as I said, fake. Oh how I wish it were true. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow is that swerving car that you really, really, just want to see crash. Funny how such a zealous Christian boy taps into my masochistic side. Zealous is a good word. That is what I always thought Tim Tebow was. Zealous.

From the beginning, Tim Tebow seemed more interested in simply being a star than in being a star quarterback. How many college football players star in Superbowl ads? And not even something fun and neutral like beer or deodorant. He chose something from the "Shit We Don't Talk About During Fun Activities" list. He chose from the TOP of the list. Who interrupts the nation's Superbowl parties to talk about abortion? RUDENESS.

Most people always assume this is a total fallacy, but I pray. I pray mad hard. Tony Dungee prays. Jeremy Lin prays. Tons of people pray, but they do so inside churches or in their beds at night etc etc etc. I hate to get all Christian on you, since its 2012 and we're all so cool and hip so none of us believe in God, but my argument is in The Bible - running around making a spectacle of yourself showing everyone how much you pray is the least Christian thing you can do. Right next to writing a semi-serious, but ultimately indifferent blog that half-heatedly tears down a fellow Christian.... My point is - tons of people pray. Tons of baseball players point of to God or make the sign of the cross, and every time, every time, I'm like AWWWWWW! This is because they're not sitting right next to the game, getting down on one knee, closing their eyes, and saying ten Our Fathers. I hate when he does that. If I was his teammate, and I looked over and saw Tim Tebow NOT watching his team play the game, I'd be so offended. I'd cry. And then I'd mess up and our team would lose. Once again, Timski, RUDENESS. Zealot. Which brings me to his new partner-in-crime, Rex Ryan.

This is gonna be so awesome. While Tim Tebow is all about saving babies, Rex Ryan is all about kicking asses. Or at least, he's all about making empty threats to do so. I'm very excited to see what this dynamic duo will, or won't, accomplish. It's going to be soapbox city in New York now, with all those boys kicking-ass Jesus style. Kicking ass Old Testament God style? I can't wait for the interviews, and the quotable lines that will come out of each of their mouths. They are going to be like, the cutest couple ever. GO JETS.

"As much as I respect and admire Bill Belichick, I came here to kick his ass, and that's the truth." -- Rex Ryan

Cops vs Robbers vs Robots vs Salesmen vs Us.

I would describe our contemporary world as Post-Modern/Pre-Apocalyptic. Its a new time, and we are inventing new words accordingly. What I mean is, we Google things. Netflix is the new Google. Now we Netflix things, too. We walk around speaking nonsense that seems completely sensical to everyone around us. We walk around like we're goddam minor characters in A Clockwork Orange. We don't go to video stores and rent films or television shows. We "netflix" them. Well, I don't. Or at least, I don't yet. However, if you know me, you know I may eventually always break down and sell my soul for instant gratification.


My current love affair is with HBO's 2002-2008 drama The Wire. Chuck Klosterman once said something about Season 4 of The Wire being the greatest season of television ever, and what Klosterman says is gold. My favorite character, as well as Obama's favorite character, is Omar. A bad pun is the only way to say this - Omar puts the "hood" in Robin Hood. Omar has the best of intentions. Omar has cornrows. Omar has a shotgun. Omar has a scar across his face. Omar robs drug dealers and Omar is gay. He defies the stereotype and I love it. The show is progressive and makes some very interesting commentaries on society. The cast is immense and overflowing with diversity. Relations between different races, different sexual orientations, and between different socioeconomic groups are highlighted in almost every scene. The always subjective idea of anyone being "good"or "bad" is challenged and transcended in the show. I love it. Unfortunately, my episodes left are numbered.


So what's next? All my friends love Breaking Bad, but I don't want to make anyone start the epic journey all over again at Season 1 just so I don't have to watch it alone. I watched like, one episode of Weeds and it just didn't take. If anything, I should be watching The L Word from Showtime, but I've been tempted like many others, by the coolness of Don Draper. Ultimately, I know nothing about this guy but still. I am aware of the fact that he (technically/metaphorically/imaginarily) exists. I've seen him around. On the cover of TV Guide and GQ and stuff. Don Draper is the guy you keep somehow running into downtown but you refuse to speak to for fear of where the conversation might lead. He makes me question my loyalty. Makes me want to leave the TV show I'm already with just to be with him. I don't know. I think its just a matter of time, before I find myself embracing technology, decreasing US employment, and letting the robots win, just so I can Netflix the hell out of Don Draper.

"Mad Men's protagonist is Don Draper, a pathological liar who charms women by grabbing their vaginas in crowded restaurants." - Chuck Klosterman, Eating the Dinosaur

Rage and Stuff.

This is not a fashion blog, because I am not a girl. Indeed this must be a lie, because when I look down I see a vagina and when I look up I see a glass ceiling. So I'm a girl. I am arguably, "The Average Girl": I don't have very much money in my bank account, my feelings at times can only be described by song lyrics from the early 2000's, and I sometimes secretly dream of running away and being a painter/broke barista. If you added up all of the girls and divided this new-found sum by... all of the girls, you would get me. I am the Average Girl.

I bought a baggy crop top yesterday, because I love block print. Block print reminds me of hardcore, and when I used to listen to hardcore, and when I used to be hardcore. The aforementioned crop top simply says "RAGE". Thinking of wearing it for the rest of my life. I get addicted to the most excruciatingly life-ruining things. Not like, meth and hookers - there's a time and a place for THOSE - but things like processed carbs, for example, and running lights that have been red for anywhere from 2 to 5 minutes. I got a ticket for this today, and I had a shitty day at work. Today is one of those days where I believe that I will continue to have shitty days at work until I run away to become an artist/makeup artist/broke barista or until I become someone with more tattoos, someone with more courage. Someone with more.

"What most people in my situation would do is go to their boyfriend's house. They would go there and cry and be handed tissues and cry some more and never stop to think that they should really be laughing and smiling joyfully because their boyfriend is an actual physical being on the same plane of reality as them." - No One Belongs Here More Than You, stories by Miranda July

Tune in next time, when I write a film review or something. This is not a fashion blog. I am not a girl. These are not vicious lies.These are not vicious lies.