Holding Hands with You

But I hold your hand and it is feather-light,
The older and taller you got,
Your hand would never be as heavy as your heart,
Bursting with blood and guts and innocence that I would kill for,
Your hands tiny, and turning, like the key on a music box
They would never be as heavy as my conscience, that I have tried to kill,

And I hold your hand and gasp at pastel teacups,
I long to spin in them and sip the sun guiltily in gulps,
I feel your brittle bird bones, your knuckles made of broken strength
Hard as nails underneath your freckled pale velvet
And I think of days and nights that we starved ourselves,
A hunger strike without a cause and you
Came out on the other side
Beautiful and womanly, flat and full,
I got lost inside the hallway and the hospital,
Inside a Hell that I called Heaven and you,
Loved me when I was evil, loved me when I was a skeleton
Covered me in your boyfriend's sweater, a rainbow rib cage
And I was too tired to laugh at the irony,
I wasn't even there, and I hate that I wish that
I could've been around more, especially when I was,
I hobbled home in hospital socks, hung my head
On a crucifix of empty-stomach embarrassment but,

You loved me when I sold my soul in the gutter just for a laugh,
You loved me without even getting the joke,
And I loved you every time you were a revolving door,
Spinning and turning in the Seattle rain that never let up,
And you never gave up, even if you never stopped changing your mind
You loved me when I wanted everyone to leave me alone.
You never did anything to anyone,
But love, and love and love until you were empty handed,
Shoulders hunched, glancing off to the side,
With cupid's bow lips that lived as a locked doorway
I loved you every time I asked what was wrong and you said "nothing",
I love you because you can love as softly,
As silently, and as mutually understood
As hand holding.

Bicycle Rights.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Another missed-hit misadventure,  not again.
I missed it, the way our hips fit
In between midnight-
Blue sheets
Of crumpled crepe (color of birthday cake
Frosting) blue
Crepe paper.

I missed the danger-
Ous, danger of us
Falling into lunar vulnerability.
We were summer stars
Turning into humans, I was so inhuman,
I said, apathetic white face.
You told me I was inhumane

And I was.
Until my thighs goosebumped up
At the touch of your touch.
Wind-chapped, rough
Broken bicycle neck hands
Caressed my ugly organs.
I was strung out violin strings
I was cracked out on cracking up and breaking
Everything
Around me, reassured me, I could never be better,
Because you can take the girl out of the gutter

But  you can't the gutter out of the girl,
I started mumbling apologies
For my startling body,
For the fact that you had to breathe in the pneumonia of my world.

With the cleanliness of a doctor,
And the hands of a wolf,
You put my bones back onto place,
You took my blood off of shelves
Poured it out of airtight jars
All over the floor
You tripped and slipped and fell
A red and sticky horrifc mess,
But you refused to wash your hands of it,

And I slept marrow-deep
In your porcelain, soft as clouds, ribcage-house
The leaves outside
Threw a fit
Throwing themselves against the walls,
Falling

Like pages ripped out of a history book.