Ballet is beautifully strict. Each position and movement is either right or wrong. It's graceful, but so incredibly rigorous. But that austerity was always a huge comfort; I loved it. Every time I changed into my slippers and entered the classroom I entered a world where I knew what to expect. I knew who, and how, to be. In my teenage years, as life got more tumultuous, I found solace in the discipline of ballet. Everyone had to follow the same rules, and everyone did. And in those days, I don't think I ever felt safer. When I stared at my reflection in the mirror, I saw a hard-working machine: full of severity, and devoid of self-doubt. That is who, and how, I had to be. When there were so many shaky moving parts in my life, ballet was my one constant. At some points, maybe we love what we love because we need to.
I don't really talk about why I quit ballet towards the end of high school. Because its not the happiest of stories. What happened is, my dad moved out, and my mom, my sister and I all had to start working. It was hard enough getting a ride to work with all of our busy schedules, so you can imagine how difficult it was to get a ride down to the studio. Was this my passion, yes? But it took so much time and money and it just wasn't working out. Luckily, I was able to get into theater at my high school, but I still missed my clockwork routine of dance. I missed the mirrors and my black leotard, the serene silence in between each track of classical music. I missed those rules, that safety. The hardest part in retrospect, is that I had to leave ballet at a time when I probably needed it the most.
All of this has a lot to do with my relationship with dance. I've always loved it, needed it, but stayed away in my adult life. I've told myself, that isn't me, that isn't for me. Yes, there are far worse aspects of my life associated with guilt and regret, but those feelings definitely loomed over my old love of ballet. But in the end, love is what brought me back to it. Zac and I were watching Mr. Robot, and two of the girls had a secret meetup in a chic downtown ballet class. Longingly, I confided, "I wish I could do ballet." All he said was, "What's stopping you?" That night he encouraged me to look up a ballet class. Told me it was okay for me to want this, that is was awesome for me to want this. That I, (a classic INTJ) don't need to over-analyze things, or overthink things when I should be feeling them. We love what we love because it makes us feel warm and fuzzy, or powerful, strong, and free. And when all that love is doing is boosting your life up the ladder of happiness and health? Then DO WHAT YOU LOVE.
